11 EDD Spam weekending 17/08/07
It was Black Wednesday and Kennith Hatfield surveyed the spread-sheet before him. It assured him that his investment in the pills store business had indeed been incredibly fruitful. It didn’t worry him that he had no moral scruples and that the diagnostic testing results were slightly dodgy or that the short selling of the Italian lira had boosted his profits. This was not his concern. His concern was that he had gained popularity over the whole world.
This was his empire and as close as he was going to get to those guys from Hollywood.
Erin Whitehead, his secretary walked in. She was an extremely pragmatic woman, with a gait that was as strong as it was suggestive, yet this same strength made her untouchable, she secretly scared him. He wondered what it would be like to
know her, from the sexual side, to know how she is inside, exactly.
“Protect your manhood now and discover how it feels to be a man with Penis Enlarge Patch!”
Erin was chuckling wildly at this statement, the latest headliner in the spam publicity drive.
“I will tell you how it feels! It feels like you’re a right dick because you have some sticky bandage patch hanging on the end of your todger that is going to bloody hurt and make your eyes water like a baby when you rip it off!”
Kennith shrunk slightly, on the inside, while on the outside he donned the jolly smirk of cammeraderie, not wanting to seem like a real ‘dick’ himself.
“My God, sometimes I can’t believe I work for ‘Mr MegaDik’ himself, spreading the joys of an increased phallus to hundreds of thousands of, pleased and happy men the world over! It’s like I have found myself in some bad 60’s B-grade sexual revolution flick, where the free lovin masses are going wild on any new formula that is designed to sky rocket them into the next transcendent level of ecstatic consciousness. Yet, what every one forgets, that then, as is now, there is a limited period of effectiveness, because it is so male-centric. It is not about the woman at all!
Erin somehow always managed to make Kennith feel cornered, exposed, undone, slightly stupid. He knew he was a charlatan, he knew his alter -ego just wanted to be ‘Mr Megadik’ in every sense of the word, to have the reputation of a Don Juan and he knew he was a total bluff. He also knew he was hypnotised by the power of this woman and didn’t want to be seen as gross. He wanted to seem street-wise and cool and aware of the joke behind all of this. Hence, he played along with her rebukes, wore her criticism with a knowing smile, smart enough to realise that once he let it get to him, he would cease to be an effective speculator.
“Well Erin, thank God you took this opportunity to join in this revolution! You have plenty of reasons to now take your time in choosing your ideal man because you know what is possible!
This banter, this rally of wit and sarcasm, could run for several rounds and it sort of charged the air, well in Kennith’s mind anyway, with an enjoyable sexual tension.
“ Yes, well anyway, Kennith, what I came in here to inform you about, in the first place, was this…”
Erin threw a newspaper down on the desk, it was folded open on page 5 and an article circled.
“ It seems the government is cracking down on business dealings online. They believe they are being diddled out of valuable dollars to line their coffers. They won’t say how much they think they have lost. Anyway, thought it might be worthwhile looking into alternate strategies and setting up some damage control”
“Oh and by the way I have been keeping track of the movements of that pirate company. The latest adverts read “Only the best models by the world’s best brands” we can always unleash a virus into their system. I have the location and the programmer at hand, you can email him if you want to go ahead.”
At that she turned on her heels and strode out of the room. A faint breeze stirred in her wake bringing with it, the warming scent of sandalwood and the suggestion of warm soft flesh. A few seconds later his phone rang, it jolted Kennith to his senses, he shook his head as he tried to clear it of his daydreaming fantasies…
“Good Morning, Manster Medicals, how can I help you?”
Monday, January 21, 2008
The EDD Diary #8 - "Say Goodbye"
15 EDD Spam weekending 10/08/07
Forget about fake just say goodbye.
Say goodbye to your large loads, your knockdowns, your need to plan.
Say goodbye to being a real man.
Say goodbye to your tablets, your soft tabs, your plenty of reasons.
Relax, you don’t have to boost your confidence.
You don’t have to strengthen the parts of your life that add excitement.
You don’t have to boost your confidence to enjoy those enjoyable parts.
Just say goodbye to Justin Weir, to Gregory Nickerson and Adeline Cornell.
Say goodbye to Philip Hooks, to Ali Price and Dena Frey.
Relax and say goodbye.
Goodbye Jessica Doss.
Goodbye Antonia Cash.
Goodbye Eddie Quinn.
Forget about fake just say goodbye.
Say goodbye to your large loads, your knockdowns, your need to plan.
Say goodbye to being a real man.
Say goodbye to your tablets, your soft tabs, your plenty of reasons.
Relax, you don’t have to boost your confidence.
You don’t have to strengthen the parts of your life that add excitement.
You don’t have to boost your confidence to enjoy those enjoyable parts.
Just say goodbye to Justin Weir, to Gregory Nickerson and Adeline Cornell.
Say goodbye to Philip Hooks, to Ali Price and Dena Frey.
Relax and say goodbye.
Goodbye Jessica Doss.
Goodbye Antonia Cash.
Goodbye Eddie Quinn.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The EDD Diary #7 - "Stolen Donkey"
Weekending 03/08/07 EDD spam came in at twenty-one
Barney Sweeney called Elnora Goldman into the Headquarters of the Great Department. There was a formality in his gestures and tone that Elnora had only witnessed on a few occasions. This could mean only one thing. This was a serious meeting and a serious exercise.
“They called and asked me to open “the gate”, Elnora. I have no choice but to send you. You have gained popularity, within our circles, over the whole world. You have 36 hours to meet your first point of contact at the salubrious Lopez Club NY. Once there, sit tight. In terms of fullness of life, with minimal difficulty, these people probably have the best time of it. When you are given positive acknowledgement you will find the password in seconds. You will then have 30 minutes to set up the game-plan. Make sure you account for possible variations in the path. Well, it’s time to get started. You won’t regret this assignment, Elnora. And remember our motto, “Know no Failures”!”
So there it was, straight forward to the point and not an ounce of the personal. Admittedly, it was Elnora that had been experiencing what she could only call “new feelings” for Barney, of late. It didn’t mean especially, that he had been of her. That shoe shuffling and excuses for morning and afternoon tea meetings, could have very well been, just that, nothing more or less. However, she had grown a bit suspicious, when he would always come back for a refill the mornings she made coffee in the staff kitchen. He had instructed her, early on, in the art of plunger coffee, saying
“You might consider compressing the grounds after a full five minutes”
She had thought it kind of anal at the time but had taken his advice, it was simply all fuel to add excitement to her fantasies. Oh well, for now, that was in the past and she had to attend to gathering her numerous resources, before leaving.
Two days later, Elnora found herself in the midst of a gaggle of women all trying to talk at once. Nancy C Haney was the banker’s wife and in charge of overseeing a personnel of 150 000 men internationally. Katherine E Franks had aided many people through her altruism (with a little help from her husbands amassed fortune) and Murial Darden had been in hospital for prolonged periods at a time but continued to have the energy of a 20 year old, nothing could keep her down. In her words, if something seems to stop working just ‘fuck hard and give it a little kick’.
Elnora held her mask impeccably within this “peer-to-peer” communication tea-party. Taking slow breaths in, she reminded herself that ‘Just because the trace is shallow doesn’t mean it’s meaningless’
Of course, she was right because 14 minutes later she found herself being delightfully escorted by horse and buggy to an unknown destination, one that she hoped would prove fruitful. However, in the mean time, there was fruit enough sitting beside her in the form of Horacio Chappell. He was making a great show of steering the horses, despite the fact that it was his off-sider, Basil Macias, that actually led them. It was all very amusing really, especially for Elnora, who had been quietly sizing up both these men and was quite contented by the quality. She wondered if they would respond to the sexual stimulation she could afford them and if that would be considered as ‘posing a security risk’. Upon proposing this, Horacio almost got flustered, then realised, that Basil had good reason to view the female as the dominant sex. But Basil wasn’t having it.
'Damn! Why can’t you get a good hard man when you need it!' Elnora thought. Her mind momentarily wandered, bringing back memories of her last lover, ‘ Swan’. ‘Must have been my artistic temperament he couldn’t take’ she mused.
Just at that point, one of the horses let out a whinny that could be heard for miles.
The raven croaked from amongst the pink climbing rosebush, suspiciously eyeing off the two women in the garden. Lottie Hebert’s manner was slow and sedate, yet her mind was acute and Elnora’s attention was focused on every word. Lottie was in a ‘safe-house’, a sort of quarantine station, while she was being observed as part of an epidemiological study being undertaken to determine whether she was carrying a contaminant or not. This method was not supported by many countries, so there was a high level of secrecy around the operation. The contaminant was of a more energetic nature and had to do with Lottie receiving messages from another ‘life form’. She described it as a process where by we are all layers and that the actual path, or communication channels, flowed through the same layers. Sort of like the divide between left and right speakers.
Lottie had come under the authorities radar, when they were alerted to weekly queues, outside a suburban community hall. It was discovered that this woman was causing a huge public interest through her ability to impart universal secrets, knowledge and certain predictions around the current political and global climate. Things had got a bit hairy when a fundamentalist from the south had lurched forward during one session and cut her severely with a knife. At this point, the department had stepped in and whisked her away. She had claimed that she was only one of many women who had been linked to this greater knowledge. There was an implication that all these women had been injected with a viral body by an unknown life form.
A few of these women had been gathered and one of the experiments had them leashed to each other so that they could alert the observation team when they were channelling. Lottie, however, disclosed that most of the women could tell when a woman was channelling whether they were leashed or not.
Lottie was skipping all over the place, telling Elnora about how much she loved this shop in her hometown and at the same time how she often had depressive moods and as a consequence the ways in which she had had to strengthen the relationship with her partner, when she suddenly went hard as stone. Her eyes were the only thing that seemed to vibrate any source of energy. Elnora knew this sign and immediately hit the record button on her concealed camera.
After a few still moments, Lottie seemed to slightly shift, like a breeze had just moved through her. Then she spoke, it was not her usual voice, but one much deeper and more resonant, a man’s voice.
“If you decide to be nice and find her cat for her you will find him amongst a maze of bright blue plastic tarps, slung from pipes overhead, if he lives till morning, that is.
However you are here to find out the specific position and dimensions of the window. For this you must have faith in a word and obviously, a word which we can never apply, is not going to be a very useful word. You won’t get clearance unless you accept this and then you will need the special keys. We know, at heart, your kind does not relish conflict, though you have proven very able warriors, therefore once execution is set in motion the control will be passed to the next handler in the fault handler chain to ensure its safe delivery.”
Lottie suddenly let out a grunt, as if she had momentarily had the wind squeezed from her lungs. She then collapsed back into a faint.
Elnora rang for the orderly, then got up and walked out.
Moments later she stood looking over the canyon and into the distance. She watched the gods for a while, wondering what the hell they were, and how it didn’t seem to matter, for she had run into a hole of the very rottenest and oldest water.
Barney Sweeney called Elnora Goldman into the Headquarters of the Great Department. There was a formality in his gestures and tone that Elnora had only witnessed on a few occasions. This could mean only one thing. This was a serious meeting and a serious exercise.
“They called and asked me to open “the gate”, Elnora. I have no choice but to send you. You have gained popularity, within our circles, over the whole world. You have 36 hours to meet your first point of contact at the salubrious Lopez Club NY. Once there, sit tight. In terms of fullness of life, with minimal difficulty, these people probably have the best time of it. When you are given positive acknowledgement you will find the password in seconds. You will then have 30 minutes to set up the game-plan. Make sure you account for possible variations in the path. Well, it’s time to get started. You won’t regret this assignment, Elnora. And remember our motto, “Know no Failures”!”
So there it was, straight forward to the point and not an ounce of the personal. Admittedly, it was Elnora that had been experiencing what she could only call “new feelings” for Barney, of late. It didn’t mean especially, that he had been of her. That shoe shuffling and excuses for morning and afternoon tea meetings, could have very well been, just that, nothing more or less. However, she had grown a bit suspicious, when he would always come back for a refill the mornings she made coffee in the staff kitchen. He had instructed her, early on, in the art of plunger coffee, saying
“You might consider compressing the grounds after a full five minutes”
She had thought it kind of anal at the time but had taken his advice, it was simply all fuel to add excitement to her fantasies. Oh well, for now, that was in the past and she had to attend to gathering her numerous resources, before leaving.
Two days later, Elnora found herself in the midst of a gaggle of women all trying to talk at once. Nancy C Haney was the banker’s wife and in charge of overseeing a personnel of 150 000 men internationally. Katherine E Franks had aided many people through her altruism (with a little help from her husbands amassed fortune) and Murial Darden had been in hospital for prolonged periods at a time but continued to have the energy of a 20 year old, nothing could keep her down. In her words, if something seems to stop working just ‘fuck hard and give it a little kick’.
Elnora held her mask impeccably within this “peer-to-peer” communication tea-party. Taking slow breaths in, she reminded herself that ‘Just because the trace is shallow doesn’t mean it’s meaningless’
Of course, she was right because 14 minutes later she found herself being delightfully escorted by horse and buggy to an unknown destination, one that she hoped would prove fruitful. However, in the mean time, there was fruit enough sitting beside her in the form of Horacio Chappell. He was making a great show of steering the horses, despite the fact that it was his off-sider, Basil Macias, that actually led them. It was all very amusing really, especially for Elnora, who had been quietly sizing up both these men and was quite contented by the quality. She wondered if they would respond to the sexual stimulation she could afford them and if that would be considered as ‘posing a security risk’. Upon proposing this, Horacio almost got flustered, then realised, that Basil had good reason to view the female as the dominant sex. But Basil wasn’t having it.
'Damn! Why can’t you get a good hard man when you need it!' Elnora thought. Her mind momentarily wandered, bringing back memories of her last lover, ‘ Swan’. ‘Must have been my artistic temperament he couldn’t take’ she mused.
Just at that point, one of the horses let out a whinny that could be heard for miles.
The raven croaked from amongst the pink climbing rosebush, suspiciously eyeing off the two women in the garden. Lottie Hebert’s manner was slow and sedate, yet her mind was acute and Elnora’s attention was focused on every word. Lottie was in a ‘safe-house’, a sort of quarantine station, while she was being observed as part of an epidemiological study being undertaken to determine whether she was carrying a contaminant or not. This method was not supported by many countries, so there was a high level of secrecy around the operation. The contaminant was of a more energetic nature and had to do with Lottie receiving messages from another ‘life form’. She described it as a process where by we are all layers and that the actual path, or communication channels, flowed through the same layers. Sort of like the divide between left and right speakers.
Lottie had come under the authorities radar, when they were alerted to weekly queues, outside a suburban community hall. It was discovered that this woman was causing a huge public interest through her ability to impart universal secrets, knowledge and certain predictions around the current political and global climate. Things had got a bit hairy when a fundamentalist from the south had lurched forward during one session and cut her severely with a knife. At this point, the department had stepped in and whisked her away. She had claimed that she was only one of many women who had been linked to this greater knowledge. There was an implication that all these women had been injected with a viral body by an unknown life form.
A few of these women had been gathered and one of the experiments had them leashed to each other so that they could alert the observation team when they were channelling. Lottie, however, disclosed that most of the women could tell when a woman was channelling whether they were leashed or not.
Lottie was skipping all over the place, telling Elnora about how much she loved this shop in her hometown and at the same time how she often had depressive moods and as a consequence the ways in which she had had to strengthen the relationship with her partner, when she suddenly went hard as stone. Her eyes were the only thing that seemed to vibrate any source of energy. Elnora knew this sign and immediately hit the record button on her concealed camera.
After a few still moments, Lottie seemed to slightly shift, like a breeze had just moved through her. Then she spoke, it was not her usual voice, but one much deeper and more resonant, a man’s voice.
“If you decide to be nice and find her cat for her you will find him amongst a maze of bright blue plastic tarps, slung from pipes overhead, if he lives till morning, that is.
However you are here to find out the specific position and dimensions of the window. For this you must have faith in a word and obviously, a word which we can never apply, is not going to be a very useful word. You won’t get clearance unless you accept this and then you will need the special keys. We know, at heart, your kind does not relish conflict, though you have proven very able warriors, therefore once execution is set in motion the control will be passed to the next handler in the fault handler chain to ensure its safe delivery.”
Lottie suddenly let out a grunt, as if she had momentarily had the wind squeezed from her lungs. She then collapsed back into a faint.
Elnora rang for the orderly, then got up and walked out.
Moments later she stood looking over the canyon and into the distance. She watched the gods for a while, wondering what the hell they were, and how it didn’t seem to matter, for she had run into a hole of the very rottenest and oldest water.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The EDD Diary #6 - "Paper Girl Takeover"
Week ending 27/07/07, EDD spam clocked in at twenty-five.
I got to thinking about myself, and the succession of younger and older men in my life over these past years. It all started quite innocently really. A venture, I thought at the time, that could really help backpackers. By God, I had been there. A bit of friendly local hospitality can go a long way when you are far from home, friends and family.
Well, I had thought that that was what it was going to be. Little did I suspect the benefits of Robert, my first house guest. He was polite, enjoyed my company, was not too overbearing, aware that this was my home and ensured that he gave me enough space. He laughed at my jokes and suggested he should cook me meals at least three times a week. Perfect house guest really!
Then came the lingering glances, the accidental brushes and the progressively later nights ruminating over various topics while slowly making our way through a second bottle of shiraz merlot.
It was the last week. The week before he was to leave the country. Of course it always happens like that. The ‘You have nothing to lose’ mentality kicks in and over rides all other practical sense. It was hot, frantic and wild. I just clambered on for the ride! He told me I had brought new life to his shaft! I thought that was kind of daggy but a sort of quirky thing to say, so decided to accept it as a complement non the less! I found myself thinking about his ready erection when I should have been attending to other parts of my life. Being undone by that look that he gave me, that was only meant for me! My God what was I supposed to do when he up and left me shipwrecked, high and dry after a tumultuous five day storm!
So, I suppose in those dark days following, those days of never ending thirst, I decided that what had felt like abandonment might yet be a chance for advancement.
Because an empty nest is a chance to fall in love all over again…because reading the Sunday paper doesn’t take all day.
Enter Tim Leach, then, a hip dude called Razbury. Marisol Garrett had a mega-dick and Dane Key kept offering me really nice cool things. Officers and men alike, putting forth their uttermost strength. I suddenly felt like I was conducting my civil duty to society and saving up to 70% on my rent. Two of them – the engineer Sandy Watson and the sailor Elijah Prather, died that first year. It was discovered during the autopsy, that Sandy had more pills inside his stomach than I had ever taken in my life! It is funny, looking back, I would never have suspected his obsession for health stuff and the best prices could be lethal.
After those episodes, there was a longer pause between house guests but then the entire process was repeated once more.
Mister Heiler was a floss freak. Verio used to talk incessantly about his small friend. Rowie Quick would cry out as he was reaching climax – “more heat! More heat!”.
Terry Staples was a loveable but simple hick. I could be with Cialis for only a short time, as he would attack and use brute force.
I started to live like a function object, that is, simply an object that can be called as if it is a function. It became a condition that completely took over most parts of my life. My perception was skewed and I felt sorry for those women, 60% I think, that I read about in magazines, who were unhappy with their lover’s penis size. I thought they just had it all wrong and just needed to fuck more men! I was an unstable hydrogen atom! A Null pointer! No longer part of the graph. In a sense shut off from the world maintaining a shift state. My power levels were fluctuating wildly, I was a high-level interface.
My last two guests, Leonard and Arthur, were my saviours, even though I didn’t see it at the time. Leonard had many books filled with sketches of kittens, of the way water flows and portraits of the wives of the influential. It was the latter that had provided him the means of making a living. Arthur had about six hundred tiny dried leaves, carefully and precisely placed inbetween the pages of his books. They were both fucking me and sometimes together but what I knew that they didn’t, at the time, was that they were really fucking each other, they just didn’t know it yet. The end was quick and sweet and rather poetic. We were having a delicious meal, one of chilli muscles in a sweet coconut soup, when suddenly Leonard paused in his chewing and looked up. He looked directly at me and then at Arthur and then very quietly placed his spoon back on the table and politely dismissed himself. Arthur’s face shifted as if struck by an alarming thought and a couple of minutes later, wearing his very placid expression, left the table and followed him.
That was the last I saw of them and it heralded the end of my affair with being a dutiful civil servant to the travellers of the world. I can’t complain really, but sometimes I still do. Memory is a great aid to vision and I can see now that it all started with a crush.
Julie
I got to thinking about myself, and the succession of younger and older men in my life over these past years. It all started quite innocently really. A venture, I thought at the time, that could really help backpackers. By God, I had been there. A bit of friendly local hospitality can go a long way when you are far from home, friends and family.
Well, I had thought that that was what it was going to be. Little did I suspect the benefits of Robert, my first house guest. He was polite, enjoyed my company, was not too overbearing, aware that this was my home and ensured that he gave me enough space. He laughed at my jokes and suggested he should cook me meals at least three times a week. Perfect house guest really!
Then came the lingering glances, the accidental brushes and the progressively later nights ruminating over various topics while slowly making our way through a second bottle of shiraz merlot.
It was the last week. The week before he was to leave the country. Of course it always happens like that. The ‘You have nothing to lose’ mentality kicks in and over rides all other practical sense. It was hot, frantic and wild. I just clambered on for the ride! He told me I had brought new life to his shaft! I thought that was kind of daggy but a sort of quirky thing to say, so decided to accept it as a complement non the less! I found myself thinking about his ready erection when I should have been attending to other parts of my life. Being undone by that look that he gave me, that was only meant for me! My God what was I supposed to do when he up and left me shipwrecked, high and dry after a tumultuous five day storm!
So, I suppose in those dark days following, those days of never ending thirst, I decided that what had felt like abandonment might yet be a chance for advancement.
Because an empty nest is a chance to fall in love all over again…because reading the Sunday paper doesn’t take all day.
Enter Tim Leach, then, a hip dude called Razbury. Marisol Garrett had a mega-dick and Dane Key kept offering me really nice cool things. Officers and men alike, putting forth their uttermost strength. I suddenly felt like I was conducting my civil duty to society and saving up to 70% on my rent. Two of them – the engineer Sandy Watson and the sailor Elijah Prather, died that first year. It was discovered during the autopsy, that Sandy had more pills inside his stomach than I had ever taken in my life! It is funny, looking back, I would never have suspected his obsession for health stuff and the best prices could be lethal.
After those episodes, there was a longer pause between house guests but then the entire process was repeated once more.
Mister Heiler was a floss freak. Verio used to talk incessantly about his small friend. Rowie Quick would cry out as he was reaching climax – “more heat! More heat!”.
Terry Staples was a loveable but simple hick. I could be with Cialis for only a short time, as he would attack and use brute force.
I started to live like a function object, that is, simply an object that can be called as if it is a function. It became a condition that completely took over most parts of my life. My perception was skewed and I felt sorry for those women, 60% I think, that I read about in magazines, who were unhappy with their lover’s penis size. I thought they just had it all wrong and just needed to fuck more men! I was an unstable hydrogen atom! A Null pointer! No longer part of the graph. In a sense shut off from the world maintaining a shift state. My power levels were fluctuating wildly, I was a high-level interface.
My last two guests, Leonard and Arthur, were my saviours, even though I didn’t see it at the time. Leonard had many books filled with sketches of kittens, of the way water flows and portraits of the wives of the influential. It was the latter that had provided him the means of making a living. Arthur had about six hundred tiny dried leaves, carefully and precisely placed inbetween the pages of his books. They were both fucking me and sometimes together but what I knew that they didn’t, at the time, was that they were really fucking each other, they just didn’t know it yet. The end was quick and sweet and rather poetic. We were having a delicious meal, one of chilli muscles in a sweet coconut soup, when suddenly Leonard paused in his chewing and looked up. He looked directly at me and then at Arthur and then very quietly placed his spoon back on the table and politely dismissed himself. Arthur’s face shifted as if struck by an alarming thought and a couple of minutes later, wearing his very placid expression, left the table and followed him.
That was the last I saw of them and it heralded the end of my affair with being a dutiful civil servant to the travellers of the world. I can’t complain really, but sometimes I still do. Memory is a great aid to vision and I can see now that it all started with a crush.
Julie
The EDD Diary #5 - "You need 15 minutes to be ready for action"
Week ending 20/07/07, EDD spam clocked in at seventeen.
This week I am going to impart stories of six of my friends. Lets call them Traci, Traci, Sylvester, Marie, Manuel and Dollie, just to preserve their privacy and any unnecessary embarrassment. This week there will be no quotation marks to indicate what I have gleaned from my spam and what I have constructed. This may become a trend from now on, who knows? This week is about relaxing moments, right moments and ready moments.
Tracie Land and Traci Walls
Tracie and Traci were best friends at University. They were always amused at their last names and thought that if they ever graduated from their law degree that they would set up a Conveyancing firm called Land and Walls. However while they were at University, to help make ends meet they set up a small salubrious side business. They were savvy enough to realise that a high proportion of campus life was to do with how to get “out of it” and “get laid”. So they decided to aim at the most ego based, yet vulnerable, sector – the undergrad male. Figuring that too many substances could be grounds to create problems they merely jumped the gun and said “Why even wait to discover that there may be “a problem”, just make sure there never is”. Now, the savvy part comes in here, because they figured that no matter how trashed an undergrad male can be, they are young and virile enough to still get an erection, so they merely applied the placebo effect. Off loading inexpensive no name sugar-free pills, they purchased in large $2 bags from some dodgy wholesaler out west, at “3 for $10” they made a very cosy income. They called their little enterprise “Triple Good” selling the best “goods” for a “good” erection and a “good” day (with express delivery in discreet packaging). The demand was unprecedented. Their business was double the local campus dealer, albeit their product was a quarter the price. With business booming they could relax and take their time on the road to plotting their career path. Everything was easy for these two, and this luck even extended into their romantic liaisons. Often a relationship will come between a close friendship and may herald the slow demise, but not for these two, it just made their bonds stronger. The secret was in their choices. Tracie fell for a well-adjusted but humorously shrewd marketing under-grad by the name of Manuel Calhoun, while Traci, fell for his step-sister and best friend, Dollie, an equally charismatic lady with an eagle eye for spotting the next major trend. The conveyancing company never eventuated but what did was far more influential. These four unscrupulous individuals, together, were a power-house. They established the pop-culture agency “Stone-Hard” that set trends and had major investments in music, art and fashion production houses across the globe.
Sylvester Valencia
Sylvester could only be described, in his terms, as “a real man”. Well hell, at 92, he still had the libido of a 17 year old, so he deserved any “cred” he wanted to afford himself, I reckon. Sylvester grew up in a rural town, known for its orange orchards, an unfortunate location for one with such a last name and parents who were not the slightest bit interested in oranges. Instead, he grew up on a diet of mushrooms, carrots, onions, spinach, rhubarb, apples and duck eggs. His parents were considered quite eccentric and had moved to this particular area because of its abundant lakes and therefore attractive location for water-fowl. They basically operated a free-range duck farm, a concept well ahead of its time! As back up, they farmed rhubarb, spinach and carrots. In his later years, Sylvester attributed his unwavering manhood to this unique diet and who am I to question? I first met Sylvester at a party that Tracie and Traci were hosting. He was dating another friend of theirs, Marie Stanley. At that time Sylvester was 71 and Marie was 23. Sylvester, never tried to hide his age, he was proud of it and proud of his youthful appearance. However, don’t get me wrong, this was never in an over-bearing way. Sylvester’s charm was really in his knowledge. He had travelled to many distant places and had studied an ancient and relatively unknown martial art with a feisty old Lapplander, under the skies of the Northern Lights. One of his favourite sayings was “ We are all, by nature, boundless creativity, evolution and growth and therefore a moment-to-moment emanation of the universal field of living consciousness”. I don’t think we ever really understood what that meant at the time, but it sounded cool and we all just went “Yeah! Right on!”
Marie Stanley
The first thing you should know about Marie Stanley is that she was a pioneer, an explorer. She would always say, “You should know, the most enjoyable parts of your life should be the parts you have no concept of, the unknown, the process of discovery!” She could talk to you about this all night. She would take you on journeys you could never imagine and you would walk away feeling somehow transformed or initiated, like you had entered a new metaphysical level. It was easy to see how she had dated Sylvester Valencia for a couple of years, they were like two peas in a pod! However, Maria’s adventurous spirit meant that she just didn’t stay anywhere for too long, there was too much to see and do and discover and learn. After her final year at University, she packed her bags and waved goodbye to her lover. She spent time in America and abroad for several years before a brief return. That summer was a blast! Reunions took place and parties extended into the wee hours and spilled on into next day. There was so much to talk about, so much to invoke. A real headiness was in the air. It was the summer of love, everyone seemed to be in-love and a healthy lusty glow adorned our faces. Come Autumn and Maria was off again, she was on her way to study with the son of the ancient Lapplander that Sylvester had trained with 40 years prior. All we know is that she never made it, somewhere, en-route, around the Russian Siberian border she went missing. I like to think she found her teacher, her lover, there, somewhere, and embarked on a whole new journey that no longer needed ties to us and the Western Culture we signified.
Manuel Calhoun
To say that Manuel Calhoun had male power at an unprecedented level, would be a little exaggerated. However, he did have the charisma that occurs with some younger men. They have stronger muscles and bones, better looking skin, energy and alertness. To top this all off, Manuel was very smart and incredibly funny. His jokes and stories did not rely on the base humour of belittling someone else, or highlighting their mis-fortune for a cheap laugh. No, Manuel’s humour was much more constructed and sophisticated than that and would have you chuckling for days as you recalled more of the elaborate storyline. Part of his humour was also self-referential. He could have you in stitches at the improbable stories he would base around himself and his love for his lime green circa1980 Gemini. Of course, this had been the source and centre of his initial seduction of Tracie Land. Tracie would often re-enact her heightened desire for Manuel the day he casually pulled up outside campus library and asked her for directions. Immediately, knowing a catch when she saw it, she offered to jump in the car and take him there personally. To this day she claims it was the sexy lime green that put a spell on her and sent her hormones awol, they never made it to the faculty building, rather they spent the next five hours parking at the bottom oval on campus.
Dollie Thorne
Dollie Thorne was not what you would call a beauty but there was something mysterious and alluring about her. She had an aloofness that was not cold but enough to mean that she really only engaged with those she wanted to. Dollie was obsessed with youth culture and its construct. She knew the market was never going to fail here. There’s a safe, effective and easy method to keep a business afloat and that is make the business in the business of making business, if you get what I mean. So, Dollie’s business was in designing youth culture, keeping one step ahead and setting the trends. It was designed with anti-aging in mind, the biggest fear in youth culture. It was Traci, her muse and lover that came up with one of her various slogans -
“No problem, now the problem has gone!” a catchcry that also became the title for a best selling album by a youth generation band that was backed by a production company that the agency “Stone-Hard”, of which she was one of the co-directors, had shares in. Dollie, however, did not possess the genes or the miraculous “fountain of youth secret” that Sylvester did and as she aged her endeavours to ward of the tell tale signs were ineffective. Devastated, but not one for depression, she used her innate skill at creating smoke and mirrors and retreated to the virtual world, where she could remain ever youthful and hip. All her business was done virtually and her physical life was unhindered by the ruthless media circus outside her walls. The relentless advancing of her years only served her as she meticulously fed her empire and laid down the foundations of her mythical life. She built an oasis in the metropolis, a walled in castle where only those she trusted most could keep her company and not divulge her secret.
This week I am going to impart stories of six of my friends. Lets call them Traci, Traci, Sylvester, Marie, Manuel and Dollie, just to preserve their privacy and any unnecessary embarrassment. This week there will be no quotation marks to indicate what I have gleaned from my spam and what I have constructed. This may become a trend from now on, who knows? This week is about relaxing moments, right moments and ready moments.
Tracie Land and Traci Walls
Tracie and Traci were best friends at University. They were always amused at their last names and thought that if they ever graduated from their law degree that they would set up a Conveyancing firm called Land and Walls. However while they were at University, to help make ends meet they set up a small salubrious side business. They were savvy enough to realise that a high proportion of campus life was to do with how to get “out of it” and “get laid”. So they decided to aim at the most ego based, yet vulnerable, sector – the undergrad male. Figuring that too many substances could be grounds to create problems they merely jumped the gun and said “Why even wait to discover that there may be “a problem”, just make sure there never is”. Now, the savvy part comes in here, because they figured that no matter how trashed an undergrad male can be, they are young and virile enough to still get an erection, so they merely applied the placebo effect. Off loading inexpensive no name sugar-free pills, they purchased in large $2 bags from some dodgy wholesaler out west, at “3 for $10” they made a very cosy income. They called their little enterprise “Triple Good” selling the best “goods” for a “good” erection and a “good” day (with express delivery in discreet packaging). The demand was unprecedented. Their business was double the local campus dealer, albeit their product was a quarter the price. With business booming they could relax and take their time on the road to plotting their career path. Everything was easy for these two, and this luck even extended into their romantic liaisons. Often a relationship will come between a close friendship and may herald the slow demise, but not for these two, it just made their bonds stronger. The secret was in their choices. Tracie fell for a well-adjusted but humorously shrewd marketing under-grad by the name of Manuel Calhoun, while Traci, fell for his step-sister and best friend, Dollie, an equally charismatic lady with an eagle eye for spotting the next major trend. The conveyancing company never eventuated but what did was far more influential. These four unscrupulous individuals, together, were a power-house. They established the pop-culture agency “Stone-Hard” that set trends and had major investments in music, art and fashion production houses across the globe.
Sylvester Valencia
Sylvester could only be described, in his terms, as “a real man”. Well hell, at 92, he still had the libido of a 17 year old, so he deserved any “cred” he wanted to afford himself, I reckon. Sylvester grew up in a rural town, known for its orange orchards, an unfortunate location for one with such a last name and parents who were not the slightest bit interested in oranges. Instead, he grew up on a diet of mushrooms, carrots, onions, spinach, rhubarb, apples and duck eggs. His parents were considered quite eccentric and had moved to this particular area because of its abundant lakes and therefore attractive location for water-fowl. They basically operated a free-range duck farm, a concept well ahead of its time! As back up, they farmed rhubarb, spinach and carrots. In his later years, Sylvester attributed his unwavering manhood to this unique diet and who am I to question? I first met Sylvester at a party that Tracie and Traci were hosting. He was dating another friend of theirs, Marie Stanley. At that time Sylvester was 71 and Marie was 23. Sylvester, never tried to hide his age, he was proud of it and proud of his youthful appearance. However, don’t get me wrong, this was never in an over-bearing way. Sylvester’s charm was really in his knowledge. He had travelled to many distant places and had studied an ancient and relatively unknown martial art with a feisty old Lapplander, under the skies of the Northern Lights. One of his favourite sayings was “ We are all, by nature, boundless creativity, evolution and growth and therefore a moment-to-moment emanation of the universal field of living consciousness”. I don’t think we ever really understood what that meant at the time, but it sounded cool and we all just went “Yeah! Right on!”
Marie Stanley
The first thing you should know about Marie Stanley is that she was a pioneer, an explorer. She would always say, “You should know, the most enjoyable parts of your life should be the parts you have no concept of, the unknown, the process of discovery!” She could talk to you about this all night. She would take you on journeys you could never imagine and you would walk away feeling somehow transformed or initiated, like you had entered a new metaphysical level. It was easy to see how she had dated Sylvester Valencia for a couple of years, they were like two peas in a pod! However, Maria’s adventurous spirit meant that she just didn’t stay anywhere for too long, there was too much to see and do and discover and learn. After her final year at University, she packed her bags and waved goodbye to her lover. She spent time in America and abroad for several years before a brief return. That summer was a blast! Reunions took place and parties extended into the wee hours and spilled on into next day. There was so much to talk about, so much to invoke. A real headiness was in the air. It was the summer of love, everyone seemed to be in-love and a healthy lusty glow adorned our faces. Come Autumn and Maria was off again, she was on her way to study with the son of the ancient Lapplander that Sylvester had trained with 40 years prior. All we know is that she never made it, somewhere, en-route, around the Russian Siberian border she went missing. I like to think she found her teacher, her lover, there, somewhere, and embarked on a whole new journey that no longer needed ties to us and the Western Culture we signified.
Manuel Calhoun
To say that Manuel Calhoun had male power at an unprecedented level, would be a little exaggerated. However, he did have the charisma that occurs with some younger men. They have stronger muscles and bones, better looking skin, energy and alertness. To top this all off, Manuel was very smart and incredibly funny. His jokes and stories did not rely on the base humour of belittling someone else, or highlighting their mis-fortune for a cheap laugh. No, Manuel’s humour was much more constructed and sophisticated than that and would have you chuckling for days as you recalled more of the elaborate storyline. Part of his humour was also self-referential. He could have you in stitches at the improbable stories he would base around himself and his love for his lime green circa1980 Gemini. Of course, this had been the source and centre of his initial seduction of Tracie Land. Tracie would often re-enact her heightened desire for Manuel the day he casually pulled up outside campus library and asked her for directions. Immediately, knowing a catch when she saw it, she offered to jump in the car and take him there personally. To this day she claims it was the sexy lime green that put a spell on her and sent her hormones awol, they never made it to the faculty building, rather they spent the next five hours parking at the bottom oval on campus.
Dollie Thorne
Dollie Thorne was not what you would call a beauty but there was something mysterious and alluring about her. She had an aloofness that was not cold but enough to mean that she really only engaged with those she wanted to. Dollie was obsessed with youth culture and its construct. She knew the market was never going to fail here. There’s a safe, effective and easy method to keep a business afloat and that is make the business in the business of making business, if you get what I mean. So, Dollie’s business was in designing youth culture, keeping one step ahead and setting the trends. It was designed with anti-aging in mind, the biggest fear in youth culture. It was Traci, her muse and lover that came up with one of her various slogans -
“No problem, now the problem has gone!” a catchcry that also became the title for a best selling album by a youth generation band that was backed by a production company that the agency “Stone-Hard”, of which she was one of the co-directors, had shares in. Dollie, however, did not possess the genes or the miraculous “fountain of youth secret” that Sylvester did and as she aged her endeavours to ward of the tell tale signs were ineffective. Devastated, but not one for depression, she used her innate skill at creating smoke and mirrors and retreated to the virtual world, where she could remain ever youthful and hip. All her business was done virtually and her physical life was unhindered by the ruthless media circus outside her walls. The relentless advancing of her years only served her as she meticulously fed her empire and laid down the foundations of her mythical life. She built an oasis in the metropolis, a walled in castle where only those she trusted most could keep her company and not divulge her secret.
The EDD Diary #4 - "Then had come word of the death of the other Fragments"
Week ending 13/07/07, my EDD spam, clocked in at 18. They came in thick and fast towards the end of the week, as if they suddenly realised my agenda and better get a few more in.
It’s “the beginning of the sale”. “The most effective male enhancement formulas with multiple effect!” Wow, this got my attention! So what does this miraculous formula enhance?
Immediately I am thinking of a world of spunky, intelligent men, who are not obsessed with their penis! Not that I want them to be disinterested in the bedroom, (just maybe more interested in the loungeroom , the kitchen, the theatre, the yard, the park,..) Suddenly a whole new creative world is possible! Imagine if men thought more about the quality of their kissing technique. You know, it is a sad fact, that men don’t realise that when women get together and talk about the latest encounter, the first thing they usually comment on, is not the penis, it is whether the kissing was good. A good kisser can undo a woman, a good kisser knows how to map a woman’s body, a good kisser is present, knows how to linger, knows how to ravage. A bad kisser may just find the door closing, regardless of “erectile” capabilities, mastering of “premature ejaculation” or “penis length”. “Just give it a little kick” boys, “there is a run on” “enjoyable” and kissing “can really help”.
Imagine “the inability for a sexually active male to obtain and sustain an erection for sexual purposes” could lead to a whole new creative approach, where greater heights of sexual/ sensual pleasure are realised. Come on, the tantra masters have known this for a millennia, why are the rest of us consumers so slow on the uptake? Too obsessed with the quick “O”.
So here it goes, in this list of lists that has been accumulating, sent to me by those concerned citizens. This week I will replace “penis” with “lips” and “erections” with “kissing”, just to see what we have got. Imagine these male enhancers offering such benefits as
• Enlarged lip length & girth
• Much harder kissing
• Longer-lasting kisses
• Faster recoil strength
• More pleasurable orgasms
• No premature ejaculation
• Heightened libido
• Boost to your confidence
• Works up to 36 hours
• Works fast
• Works Effectively
• Keeps you ready
• No need to plan around meals
• Used by millions of men
• Helps men with ED achieve harder kisses
• Helps men with ED maintain kissing during sex
• Can work in as little as 14 minutes
• Kisses can help satisfy the partners of men with ED
• Has a proven safety record
• Works for men with ED who also have a wide range of health issues
• Can be taken with other medications
• As safe for your heart as a sugar pill
• All popular drugs can be chucked
• Special internet pricing no longer required
• No doctor visits
• No prescriptions
• Fast worldwide shipping
• Friendly customer support
• Full Customer Satisfaction
“Will you be ready?” for this new takeover? “Suppose there’s some connection” between EDD and lack of kissing. Maybe that elusive “stone-hard erection” is due to the fact that a few classes were skipped in the sensuality training school. Imagine the kiss being touted as the “100% effective manhood booster”.
“We’d like to present to you” the “100% effective virility formula”!
If your sex life needs a re-boot it is the “Perfect way to turn back time”
“Become the most powerful lover in your sexual partner’s life with” improved kissing technique!
There’s the “Nice to meet you!” kiss. The “Glad to meet you!” kiss and the “much much more surprises for you today” kiss!
Hmmmm, well unless schools are set up I suppose there is no profit to be gained and if there is no price tag attached, it is worthless. People just don’t seem to value something that is being sold for free these days (unless they can exploit it for profit). People just don’t understand free with all its complexities, people have lost touch with freedom.
“Rand had no idea what Haman was talking about, but it did not seem the time to ask.”
“The return value FALSE is interesting, but not helpful.”
“I grasped her hand. It was, after all, designed by humans.
How terrible to be dead, and know you were dead, and locked away in the darkness.”
Oh dear, time to go the doom is creeping in
Julie
It’s “the beginning of the sale”. “The most effective male enhancement formulas with multiple effect!” Wow, this got my attention! So what does this miraculous formula enhance?
Immediately I am thinking of a world of spunky, intelligent men, who are not obsessed with their penis! Not that I want them to be disinterested in the bedroom, (just maybe more interested in the loungeroom , the kitchen, the theatre, the yard, the park,..) Suddenly a whole new creative world is possible! Imagine if men thought more about the quality of their kissing technique. You know, it is a sad fact, that men don’t realise that when women get together and talk about the latest encounter, the first thing they usually comment on, is not the penis, it is whether the kissing was good. A good kisser can undo a woman, a good kisser knows how to map a woman’s body, a good kisser is present, knows how to linger, knows how to ravage. A bad kisser may just find the door closing, regardless of “erectile” capabilities, mastering of “premature ejaculation” or “penis length”. “Just give it a little kick” boys, “there is a run on” “enjoyable” and kissing “can really help”.
Imagine “the inability for a sexually active male to obtain and sustain an erection for sexual purposes” could lead to a whole new creative approach, where greater heights of sexual/ sensual pleasure are realised. Come on, the tantra masters have known this for a millennia, why are the rest of us consumers so slow on the uptake? Too obsessed with the quick “O”.
So here it goes, in this list of lists that has been accumulating, sent to me by those concerned citizens. This week I will replace “penis” with “lips” and “erections” with “kissing”, just to see what we have got. Imagine these male enhancers offering such benefits as
• Enlarged lip length & girth
• Much harder kissing
• Longer-lasting kisses
• Faster recoil strength
• More pleasurable orgasms
• No premature ejaculation
• Heightened libido
• Boost to your confidence
• Works up to 36 hours
• Works fast
• Works Effectively
• Keeps you ready
• No need to plan around meals
• Used by millions of men
• Helps men with ED achieve harder kisses
• Helps men with ED maintain kissing during sex
• Can work in as little as 14 minutes
• Kisses can help satisfy the partners of men with ED
• Has a proven safety record
• Works for men with ED who also have a wide range of health issues
• Can be taken with other medications
• As safe for your heart as a sugar pill
• All popular drugs can be chucked
• Special internet pricing no longer required
• No doctor visits
• No prescriptions
• Fast worldwide shipping
• Friendly customer support
• Full Customer Satisfaction
“Will you be ready?” for this new takeover? “Suppose there’s some connection” between EDD and lack of kissing. Maybe that elusive “stone-hard erection” is due to the fact that a few classes were skipped in the sensuality training school. Imagine the kiss being touted as the “100% effective manhood booster”.
“We’d like to present to you” the “100% effective virility formula”!
If your sex life needs a re-boot it is the “Perfect way to turn back time”
“Become the most powerful lover in your sexual partner’s life with” improved kissing technique!
There’s the “Nice to meet you!” kiss. The “Glad to meet you!” kiss and the “much much more surprises for you today” kiss!
Hmmmm, well unless schools are set up I suppose there is no profit to be gained and if there is no price tag attached, it is worthless. People just don’t seem to value something that is being sold for free these days (unless they can exploit it for profit). People just don’t understand free with all its complexities, people have lost touch with freedom.
“Rand had no idea what Haman was talking about, but it did not seem the time to ask.”
“The return value FALSE is interesting, but not helpful.”
“I grasped her hand. It was, after all, designed by humans.
How terrible to be dead, and know you were dead, and locked away in the darkness.”
Oh dear, time to go the doom is creeping in
Julie
The EDD Diary #3 - "Filling forms are not necessary"
This week ending 06/07/07, I have received 12 EDD spam, a bit disappointing really, maybe they are finally giving up on my “extended period of effectiveness”
Did you know these nice people are concerned about my relationship with my partner, concerned about my “pressure to perform”. Well I really never have the pressure to perform, it just sort of happens, sort explodes out of me. Like, when I suddenly decided I would do a spontaneous tap dance in the kitchen. I did workshop some movement ideas last night, in the lounge room, in an effort to get warm. Do you really think my “performance” has anything to do with “heightened Libido”?
I suppose some people would wonder when I bash a tambourine, or punch a chocolate santa in the face, let alone stuff a heart shaped chocolate cake in my mouth followed by swigging a glass of champagne. Yet I work “fast”, work “effectively”, I am “ready” and I very rarely “plan around meals”, although, I have found some performance I really need to “relax and take the time”
The “fact is, when taken correctly”, “ 10 pills…20pills…30 pills…60 pills…90 pills”, will produce a “heightened” state of “soma” and I am not talking a “sugar pill”, for “up to 36 hours and in as fast as 30 minutes” with “up to 5 times more semen volume” in that “stone-hard manhood” Whoa! Bit scarey really, do you think you really want to be around for that?
Soma was the drink of the gods to which they owed their wisdom and immortality. In the earthly rituals its intoxicating properties gave man an ecstasy that filled them with spirit and identified them with the gods. It is possible, I suppose that it “enlarged penis length and girth” but it was not an “innovation in male enhancement”
“Kathie Kirk”, I don’t pretend to know her, beleives you need not “have a problem” when you can have a “good erection”.
Can you imagine being a man and looking down at your erect penis and saying “Oh good erection, you are such a good erection, what shall we do today oh good erection?”
No wonder “men like having them” it gives them something to talk to and of course “women love receiving” a “good erection”, although I am sure some women have been known to beat them off, in the more unwanted sense of the term, saying “Oh bad erection, Oh bad bad erection! Get away from me and out of my sight!”
Does bring a certain Monty Python sketch to mind
So I think I might just leave that all there.
Julie
Did you know these nice people are concerned about my relationship with my partner, concerned about my “pressure to perform”. Well I really never have the pressure to perform, it just sort of happens, sort explodes out of me. Like, when I suddenly decided I would do a spontaneous tap dance in the kitchen. I did workshop some movement ideas last night, in the lounge room, in an effort to get warm. Do you really think my “performance” has anything to do with “heightened Libido”?
I suppose some people would wonder when I bash a tambourine, or punch a chocolate santa in the face, let alone stuff a heart shaped chocolate cake in my mouth followed by swigging a glass of champagne. Yet I work “fast”, work “effectively”, I am “ready” and I very rarely “plan around meals”, although, I have found some performance I really need to “relax and take the time”
The “fact is, when taken correctly”, “ 10 pills…20pills…30 pills…60 pills…90 pills”, will produce a “heightened” state of “soma” and I am not talking a “sugar pill”, for “up to 36 hours and in as fast as 30 minutes” with “up to 5 times more semen volume” in that “stone-hard manhood” Whoa! Bit scarey really, do you think you really want to be around for that?
Soma was the drink of the gods to which they owed their wisdom and immortality. In the earthly rituals its intoxicating properties gave man an ecstasy that filled them with spirit and identified them with the gods. It is possible, I suppose that it “enlarged penis length and girth” but it was not an “innovation in male enhancement”
“Kathie Kirk”, I don’t pretend to know her, beleives you need not “have a problem” when you can have a “good erection”.
Can you imagine being a man and looking down at your erect penis and saying “Oh good erection, you are such a good erection, what shall we do today oh good erection?”
No wonder “men like having them” it gives them something to talk to and of course “women love receiving” a “good erection”, although I am sure some women have been known to beat them off, in the more unwanted sense of the term, saying “Oh bad erection, Oh bad bad erection! Get away from me and out of my sight!”
Does bring a certain Monty Python sketch to mind
So I think I might just leave that all there.
Julie
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