Friday, February 29, 2008

The EDD Diary #10 - "silkysmoothgirl"

17 EDD Spam weekending 24/08/07.

It was a grey sort of day. Cool but not cold, yet. One that starts to herald longer hours spent inside and warm hot drinks.
They started to arrive around 11am. Mum was all fussing and carrying on, getting the pots of tea and arranging the coffee table. Pulling out plates to accommodate the new tasty treat that would arrive with each guest.

A few hours ago we had been in the park. Just Mum and I. I had run ahead to the little lake where I had hoped to spot our turtle friend. I turned around to see where Mum was, only to catch her in one of her moments. She looked like a lost angel who had suddenly landed in a park and was not quite comprehending her whereabouts. It was like her mind was yet to arrive in the body, lagging behind in the time warp tunnel. They said this was a result of some mechanistic response that she had sustained during the fall, whatever that means. Ever since that time she has been on her little soft blue tablets. This seems to keep things running smooth, but occasionally she just…drifts.

Now, for the last 30 minutes I have become invisible. This will last for the next few hours. I don’t mind really. It is amazing what you learn and what you see when you are invisible. Many kids just dream of having those powers, I seem to acquire them without even trying, on a regular basis. Ok, so I can’t do it on demand but there is a routine and I know when those moments will be, so I can sort of plan for them.

I watch from the corners, sneak round the edges and contemplate from the perimeters.

Once Mum had “normalised” after the fall that changed our lives, the fall that reduced our ranks and required Mum and I to join forces, I would often be the one who would keep things running smoothly, quietly, undetected from the sidelines. There was no point in making the glaringly obvious, “glaringly obvious”. It was a matter of strategy and efficiency. It had been my idea to get an online account and save oodles of money with the “pharmacy America trusts” It was just the most convenient way to access healthcare services and consumer goods. It meant that I could always keep an eye on the “stocks” and make sure supplies never got low. These little blue and white tablets, they were like soma to Mum. I had done the research, read through many sites before deciding and then it was just a matter of clicking and typing. I didn’t need to bother Mum about it, she didn’t need to know the ins and outs. Life is so short and I figured to make the most of it some loads are best shared.

Everyone has arrived now and our cosy lounge-room is filled with the excited chatter of these regular guests. I can name them all. I know their mannerisms and their affectations. I enjoy observing the little intrigues, the guarded moments, the disguised intentions, the interactions, the overtures and the clandestine undertones.

Benita Duffy is small but a real mighty mouse. She has a thing for Lance Trujillo. Lance Trujillo is still a fragile man, he puts on a brave face, but I can see the tears he cries when he is at home late at night, head on his lonely pillow. He is not ready, and may never be, for the feisty Benita. Lillie P Bingham has a wonderful tattoo on her left ankle, it is a little blue gecko chasing another little blue gecko, up and around towards her calf. She laughs and dismisses this mark that she associates with her younger more frivolous years, but I can see that she loves it and it is the keeper of many secrets and memories. Lee Hunt is enamoured of Lillie, she sees in her someone she wishes she could have been. She is admiring of her carefree and adventurous spirit, her voluptuous curves and her long auburn tresses. Lee wants to be anyone but herself, she is so dissatisfied with the boring brown course of her life. She can’t believe that she has played it so safe, she has never understood the elation and ecstasy that comes with risk taking. Lee has never had and an orgasm with either of the two men she has been with in her life. Partner faking orgasm? That was Lee. Now she is only just contemplating masturbating for the first time in her life. Lee is 38. Humberto Horton is loud, rambunctious and a show-off. He is an attention seeker and has to feel like he has experienced and knows more than everyone else. He was the one that brought pictures of his ex-wife, just to show off how “hot” she was. He often loudly exclaims in a faux pitiful voice how sex can ruin your life! Everyone tolerates Humberto. They indulge his extravagances, partly because that is what they are all here for, to be accepted unconditionally, but also because Humberto is terribly entertaining despite himself. Chad Abraham is the dark brooding mysterious one. When pushed he will reveal what he has been reading or researching. He is always writing and seems to be lost in a world he is determined to unravel and understand. The only one in the room, funnily enough, that he will pay any special attention to, is Lee. But unless you are the patient archivist, the spy on the side, the one that is invisible because she is only a young girl, you would not see this and of course Lee does not see this either. Edgardo Hatcher doesn’t see much but that is because he is almost completely visually impaired. Edgardo was not born like this but a degenerative disease made itself known to him when he was just 19, a week before he had finally plucked up enough courage to ask a particular girl on a date. He had been admiring her from afar for two years. When his eye condition suddenly deteriorated rapidly in one week, it put everything on hold for another year. Edgardo is astute, and despite not being able to see anything he “sees” everything. He is my favourite, he is the only one that sees me. Freda G Brewster looks like a rooster! Well I can’t help but be amused by her loud orange tufts of hair that spring straight up from the top of her head. I think she is re-living some rebellious lost youth. Despite the orange comb she is actually very lovely and warm, she is the diplomat and makes sure that everyone feels welcome and safe. There are times that I wish I could crawl under her wing and be held safe. Times when I feel really alone, times when my mother, the lost angel is drifting too far away in the clouds. Adela Burnette looks like a porcelain doll. I don’t think she has ever seen the sun. Sometimes I just want to touch her face just to see if it is real, if it is warm and elastic. Adela is never gross in her movements, everything is neat, impeccable, Adela belongs to another time. Adela is secretly inlove with Edgardo. I sometimes get a little jealous about that. I think she just wants to care for him. She sees him through eyes of pity and misses the point. She does not see how strong and intelligent he is. She is not deserving of his talents. Liz A Tilley always wears black and always has some new news of the latest political action she is involved in. She is an activist through and through. She does not know any other way to be in her life. Her great love was an activist and their love was only brokered through activism. I don’t think Liz could ever really give herself to anyone, wholly, she is married to activism. Hey and that is ok, but she hasn’t realised it yet and does not understand that this is why she is so lonely underneath it all. Only when she realises this and admits it to herself, will she be able to move forward in full confidence and with the knowledge that she is married to herself. Julio Lucas on the other hand has been married five times. He is a romantic but one that is inlove with romance. He courts and courts his would be fiancĂ©e. He knows the art of seduction and how to woo a fair maiden. However once the honey moon is over and everything starts to include the more practical and mundane, his marriage starts to falter. His eye starts to wander and his mind starts to stutter. He plots his escape and plans his next conquest. He has had his eye on Desiree G McNeal since she joined the group only three weeks ago. Everyone knows, he cannot hide it, it has become a bit of a joke. But this does not mean that Julio will not keep trying he is a master at persistence and will wear his prey down. What he hasn’t quite fathomed, yet, is that Desiree will not be worn down because he has met his match. Infact, Desiree is the female version of Julio. She knows his strategies all too well because they are hers. This will make for some delightful game playing. The stakes have been raised.

These guests all gather here once a week, to consolidate their lives. They have all been through a major transition and I suppose, really, this is their support group, even though I didn’t want to say it. They have been meeting here for five months now. Six months ago, they met at Dana Callahan’s house. During that time she had a massive self-confidence boost and met a new man. He didn’t live in this city, so she took the plunge and moved for love. I heard the rest of them joking, not long after, that it was not just love she followed but the bulge in his pants, which, after much chuckling, they all conceded was a type of love anyway.
I often giggle at their antics, sometimes they are like petulant children and other times they will all be laughing and in stitches at their follies. This is my life on the edges. I know so much already about adults and humans I sometimes wonder whether it is really I, not my mother, who is the angel. The one just beyond the periphery, the one keeping things humming but staying out of the way. The one watching and witnessing and occasionally delivering a playing card that helps turn events along a new path. At times I can’t imagine being as old and grown up as these people in my house. Other times as they congregate each week, I feel like I am older than them all put together.
Sometimes I feel timeless…


unreasonable adults said...

reading silkysmoothgirl while listening to the soundtrack of twin peaks. perfect. xjase

Anonymous said...

I am doing research for my college thesis, thanks for your brilliant points, now I am acting on a sudden impulse.

- Laura