Thursday, September 13, 2007

The EDD Diary #6 - "Paper Girl Takeover"

Week ending 27/07/07, EDD spam clocked in at twenty-five.

I got to thinking about myself, and the succession of younger and older men in my life over these past years. It all started quite innocently really. A venture, I thought at the time, that could really help backpackers. By God, I had been there. A bit of friendly local hospitality can go a long way when you are far from home, friends and family.
Well, I had thought that that was what it was going to be. Little did I suspect the benefits of Robert, my first house guest. He was polite, enjoyed my company, was not too overbearing, aware that this was my home and ensured that he gave me enough space. He laughed at my jokes and suggested he should cook me meals at least three times a week. Perfect house guest really!
Then came the lingering glances, the accidental brushes and the progressively later nights ruminating over various topics while slowly making our way through a second bottle of shiraz merlot.
It was the last week. The week before he was to leave the country. Of course it always happens like that. The ‘You have nothing to lose’ mentality kicks in and over rides all other practical sense. It was hot, frantic and wild. I just clambered on for the ride! He told me I had brought new life to his shaft! I thought that was kind of daggy but a sort of quirky thing to say, so decided to accept it as a complement non the less! I found myself thinking about his ready erection when I should have been attending to other parts of my life. Being undone by that look that he gave me, that was only meant for me! My God what was I supposed to do when he up and left me shipwrecked, high and dry after a tumultuous five day storm!
So, I suppose in those dark days following, those days of never ending thirst, I decided that what had felt like abandonment might yet be a chance for advancement.
Because an empty nest is a chance to fall in love all over again…because reading the Sunday paper doesn’t take all day.
Enter Tim Leach, then, a hip dude called Razbury. Marisol Garrett had a mega-dick and Dane Key kept offering me really nice cool things. Officers and men alike, putting forth their uttermost strength. I suddenly felt like I was conducting my civil duty to society and saving up to 70% on my rent. Two of them – the engineer Sandy Watson and the sailor Elijah Prather, died that first year. It was discovered during the autopsy, that Sandy had more pills inside his stomach than I had ever taken in my life! It is funny, looking back, I would never have suspected his obsession for health stuff and the best prices could be lethal.
After those episodes, there was a longer pause between house guests but then the entire process was repeated once more.
Mister Heiler was a floss freak. Verio used to talk incessantly about his small friend. Rowie Quick would cry out as he was reaching climax – “more heat! More heat!”.
Terry Staples was a loveable but simple hick. I could be with Cialis for only a short time, as he would attack and use brute force.
I started to live like a function object, that is, simply an object that can be called as if it is a function. It became a condition that completely took over most parts of my life. My perception was skewed and I felt sorry for those women, 60% I think, that I read about in magazines, who were unhappy with their lover’s penis size. I thought they just had it all wrong and just needed to fuck more men! I was an unstable hydrogen atom! A Null pointer! No longer part of the graph. In a sense shut off from the world maintaining a shift state. My power levels were fluctuating wildly, I was a high-level interface.
My last two guests, Leonard and Arthur, were my saviours, even though I didn’t see it at the time. Leonard had many books filled with sketches of kittens, of the way water flows and portraits of the wives of the influential. It was the latter that had provided him the means of making a living. Arthur had about six hundred tiny dried leaves, carefully and precisely placed inbetween the pages of his books. They were both fucking me and sometimes together but what I knew that they didn’t, at the time, was that they were really fucking each other, they just didn’t know it yet. The end was quick and sweet and rather poetic. We were having a delicious meal, one of chilli muscles in a sweet coconut soup, when suddenly Leonard paused in his chewing and looked up. He looked directly at me and then at Arthur and then very quietly placed his spoon back on the table and politely dismissed himself. Arthur’s face shifted as if struck by an alarming thought and a couple of minutes later, wearing his very placid expression, left the table and followed him.
That was the last I saw of them and it heralded the end of my affair with being a dutiful civil servant to the travellers of the world. I can’t complain really, but sometimes I still do. Memory is a great aid to vision and I can see now that it all started with a crush.

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